My Story: A First-Person Perspective on Depression & Anxiety

I didn’t know what anxiety was until about a year ago, when my boyfriend told me that was what I was feeling. Anxious. So strange that when you don’t know the word for something, you tend to look towards the things you already know to explain what’s going on. Anger. Depression. I was short-tempered, irrational. I was paranoid, I was crazy, I was bipolar, I was completely and totally wrong in everyone’s eyes. I have spent over a decade under the facade that I was just plain, inexcusably wrong, a lost cause with no end in sight. I thought about killing myself every year since I was 13, now 20. That’s not to say I didn’t have good days, there were many. Looking back through all my journals I had kept since somewhere around 2006, I realized that almost every page was stained with tears, pouring out feelings I didn’t understand. I had all this pent-up rage towards my family, riddled with problems, from an absent father to an equally emotional mother. They never taught me what anxiety was, even though my mom now claims that she’s had it her entire life. I believe her, but I wonder why she never helped me through my own mess.

My depression came in waves. Months would go by and, if you asked me, I couldn’t recall one thing that had happened. I seemed to have a fuzzy cloud of drama following me around the many different schools I attended; bullies attracted to me like flies. I found myself becoming a bully because it was the only way I found I could get through them, but of course it made everything worse. I hated who I had become.

Good things somehow came out of all that negativity. I fell in a deep love with metal/rock music my freshman year in high school. I had a new and unlikely role model and I wanted to be just like him, teaching myself guitar by ear for hours on end. I’d get home from school, grab some food and head right upstairs, and that would be about the only time anyone saw me. I somewhat hesitantly say I know upwards of 50 System of a Down songs… oh, high school.

I moved to California at 16 from my home town of Fort Wayne, Indiana, with my Mother and Step Father, where he had a job opportunity, but we really moved because I wanted to pursue my career in music. One thing I was blessed with was parents that were supportive of my career choice, it’s pretty rare for young musicians. However, I met a boy far too early and dropped everything for him. It wasn’t until senior year of High School that I remembered I was my own person, and I started trying to write music again.

There was a problem, though: I didn’t know what kind of artist I wanted to be anymore. Metal wasn’t really on the scene anymore, neither was rock. It had all been replaced with this weird, hipster-pop music that I couldn’t relate to, even with my previous love of pop/rap music before metal. I was out of place, irrelevant.

About a year and a half after my (then) longest relationship, I met my current boyfriend. I’ve always seen myself as very independent. When I used to think of myself in the future, I was always single, unmarried, alone, but better off. I thought of myself as very masculine, controlling, definitely not “wife” material. But my current boyfriend, he changed that for me, and I’m not even mad. We’ve been together for almost two years, and it’s the most beautiful friendship and love I have ever experienced. I have a theory that you can’t fall in love with anyone until you start loving yourself. My senior year of high school I began to understand what loving ourself really was, and then I met him right after graduation. I’m still in the process of understanding how to love oneself, but I don’t think I could have had a successful relationship before this without this new relationship with myself. I don’t like to lean on anyone to make me feel better, especially when my anxiety gets ahold of me, so he gives me my space.

I’m now trying to find new ways to write music, which is my true love. I’m a communications major & honors student at El Camino College, and I am applying to UCLA this fall. I work part time as a social media, programming & design assistant for a yoga clothing company called Jala Clothing, which I am more and more grateful for every day. Having a routine and eating healthy/exercising (yoga specifically) are also absolutely vital to keeping my anxiety and depression at bay. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows even now, but I’m working towards a better me, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier in my life.

If you have any questions or comments, you can contact me at savv.pm@gmail.com.

Love & Light,
Savanna Metzger

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps

I originally read this article by Kate Bartolotta on The Huffington Post a while back, and what can I say? It stuck with me. I clicked on it for the usual reasons — probably the same reasons you did — you’re unhappy with yourself. God, aren’t we all? But, do you ever get tired of being unhappy with yourself? Do you ever wish you could just be happy in your own skin, without care of what society says is right and wrong?

I do. All the fucking time.

Pardon my language. But if you’re really tired of feeling like a stranger in your own skin and even more strange when around other people, feeling out of place, feeling not good enough… this article is for you. I sincerely hope it helps you the way it did me.

1. Stop believing your bullshit.

All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It’s bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We’re all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we’ve tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, childlike sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.

2. Be happy now.

Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It’s a small, significant shift in perspective. It’s easier to look at what’s wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture — but it isn’t. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.

5. Stop with the crazy making.

I got to a friend’s doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted, “I’m being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head.” Life is full of obstacles; we don’t need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: Don’t take things personally. Most of the time, other people’s choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you’ve been behaving like a jerk, in which case…

6. Learn to apologize.

Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what’s up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize — without ever interjecting the word “but” — is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will need to apologize. It’s an important practice.

7. Practice gratitude.

Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she’d been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it’s that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.

8. Be kind.

Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly — I am not a Vonnegut fan): “There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.'”

Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can’t save the whole world. I can’t bring peace to Syria. I can’t fix the environment or the health care system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner.

But I can be kind.

If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better.

How to Stay Creative

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

1. Carry a notebook everywhere you go. 

Steven Johnson, author of the book Where Good Ideas Come From, carries a document with him wherever he goes that he calls a “spark file.” Although Johnson encourages us to carry a digital spark file, I like the idea of carrying a notebook instead. If you don’t like to carry a big purse, you can get notebooks small enough to fit in your pocket, like this one. I’m a sucker for Moleskines, personally. Review your spark file once a month to remember all your great ideas.

If you’re a musician or an artist, Moleskine makes music notebooks with sheet music and watercolor notebooks, among other options.

2. Try free writing.

Free writing is normally used as a prewriting technique in which a person continuously writes without regard for spelling, grammar, or topic. I like to think of it as continuous strain of consciousness writing, because you are literally writing whatever comes to mind. This technique is super helpful for writers block because the writer loses any criticisms for himself he previously had.

I’m an advocate for unlined pages in the notebook I use for this technique because it encourages more free-flowing ideas that don’t have to be just words, but pictures as well. This is also helpful for writing down any of your ideas and hunches, not just for this technique alone.

3. Collaborate and get feedback.

It’s important when trying to create that you surround yourself with other creative people. Not only will they help inspire you, but they might offer some creative feedback that you wouldn’t normally think of. These creative people will also help you stay open to new solutions for any of your creative problems.

4. Make lists and create a framework.

Making lists help you break that daunting task into a few simple steps. For example, if you’re trying to write a song and you only have the melody figured out so far, write down what else you need to do. It would look something like this:

Write lyrics. Break the song down into different sections (figure out how many verses I want, how many chorus’s, if I want a bridge, a solo, etc.). What genre do I want this song to go in? Rock, electronic, country, classical? Think of accompanying instruments you want to embellish your melody with, based off what genre you want your song to be in.

I’m sure there are more things that could be on this list, but this is just an example of what you would want to do.

As for creating a framework, I view this as a more general idea of the persona you want to create, or your entire project as a whole. Say you’re trying to lay out your career, and everything you need to do to get there. This might be a more visual version of a list, like drawing a circle in the middle of your paper with the name of the position you want in the middle. Then, you would draw smaller circles connected by a line off of this main bubble, where you would put all the things it takes to get there (getting a B.A. in your field, landing an internship, making connections, budgeting, staying motivated, etc.).

5. Take chances. Make mistakes. Get Messy.

I can’t stress this enough: mistakes are okay! When you make a mistake, it means you’re trying, which is all it takes to have your eureka moment.

Upon trying 10,000 different materials to make his ingenious, world-changing lightbulb work, Thomas Edison did not let his failure hold him back. In fact, he didn’t see it as failure at all.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

6. Finish something.

Something. Anything. Just make something, put it out there and see what happens. Really, what happens if you put yourself and/or your project out there? Ok, some people might not like it. Whatever. You are your own biggest fan, so anyone’s opinion shouldn’t stop your creativity or make you feel insecure. Odds are someone will like what you’re doing, and whoever doesn’t will give you feedback that you can learn from and apply to whatever you finish next. Learn to not take any of this feedback personally, as personal as it may be. By letting other’s criticisms roll off your shoulders, you become invincible.